#BATSIPLUS3

“I am still surprised gore ona le bana (that you have kids).” My mother said to me on a random day which I found pretty weird but I know it comes from a place of knowing my lack of patience for children. Yes, I do have kids. At 26 I am a mother of 3 amazing beauties. Keamogetswe my first, we’re counting down to her 7th birthday and she wants a Barbie doll (a little reminder to myself thereJ), Bothakga (5) and six months ago I gave birth to baby Leano. Being a mother was never part of my life plan. I just never thought of myself in that role. Ever.

It all changed in 2008 when I was in my third year at Wits University working towards a Bachelor of Arts degree. I was 19, and let’s just say nothing prepares you for the moment when the young doctor at your campus health asks you: “what happened to the condom?” I walked out of there feeling like something BIG had just happened but it hadn’t quite hit me yet. I had to tell my then boyfriend of three and a half years that we were having a baby. I couldn’t get the words out when we met up that day. I just cried. He figured it out, hugged me and asked “what do you want us to do?” I didn’t have an answer. I just cried until I got too tired for anymore tears and fell asleep (Hahaha). What followed was months of trying to figure out how to hide my bump from everyone.

I tried everything I could. Eventually my roommates figured it out, my friends at varsity figured it out and then the big one, the elder in our church and neighbour – who has known me pretty much all my life – figured it out. He called me over and asked if he could inform my mom on my behalf. I immediately agreed and he did. My mom walked into my room and said with the care only she could’ve gotten right at that point, “why didn’t you tell me?...Think of this child as your child, not yours and someone else’s child because a man can always walk away and start over leaving you to deal with things alone.”  

Her words have literally played themselves out in my life in recent times. My girls share a dad. He and I went through a really bad break up and as part of the fall out, he opted out of the financial – and often emotional – obligation he has to “our” (although I feel like they more mine than ours) girls. With life being as expensive as it is, I don’t have to tell you what damage that has done to my Rands and Cents tally. But I was raised by a woman who has no idea what it means to give up. I inherited her sheer tenacity and “never-say-day” attitude where motherhood is concerned. I have been angry, bitter at times and sometimes just sad because my ex isn’t a part of my girls’ lives the way I’d like or even the way they’d like him to be. I’m at a point where I wish him no ill. We might be broken up but I still respect his place as their dad although I know that the buck always stops with me.

My story has many humps and bumps that I’d need a whole book to write out but I will say I am fortunate. I have an incredible family and friends who love my children more than I ever thought possible. No one can do it alone. I am a single mom only by virtue of the fact that I live alone with my trio not because I have zero help.

What I find difficult about my life set up is finding social time with friends – especially those who don’t have children – and just finding time for me. Dating is another mine field for single moms. I was no different. I thought no one would be brave enough to date someone who had 2 children who are not living with their grandmother somewhere but are in her space, her everyday reality - It was my decision to live with them, my Mom still wants to raise them bless her heart.

When I did start dating again, I did something that is often frowned upon. I introduced my man to my kids really early on. It was stressful for me. Not so much for them. We’re still navigating through their relationship with him and it gets better every day. I recently asked this incredible man that God has gifted me – who is the father to my son – whether he thinks my identity is wrapped up in being a mother. He answered yes. I was guttered. But he then explained that circumstance has forced me into a corner whereby I have to be the “all-powerful force” that I am to my family and that has meant I had to sacrifice a lot of my “original life plan”. My career is also a challenge to navigate because the media world is not incredibly accommodating for a person with my kind of life schedule.

Besides all the difficulties, I wouldn’t have my life any other way. Ok, I wish I had more money to play with every month but besides that, I am so blessed that I get to be me. A mother to three incredible souls who challenge me and have made me so proud. I am often hard on myself because I really have high expectations of myself as a Mom, but according to my ruling party (my children). I am the best mother ever and I choose to believe that rather.

When people ask how I do it, I remember the line from Tyler Perry’s Single Moms Club: “That’s the problem, you’re thinking about it too much. Don’t think, just do it!” And that’s what I do every day; I get out of bed and do it. God has been incredible with the four of us. So here’s a breakdown of my life with the ruling party.

My day starts at 3:30am. I wake up to put the geyser on. Then I go back to bed to try and catch up on at least another 45 minutes of sleep. When Leano plays along, I wake up at 4:30am. I pack lunches, I put out the uniform, I get the bath water ready and then I wake my girls at about 5am. I bath them – they take turns on who goes first, it’s a thing nowadays – dry them and they put on their gowns and slippers and brush their teeth. Then I bath. After that, I go get them tidy for school then sign their homework and make breakfast. They watch TV while I go get dressed and pack my gym bag. This gets a whole lot more intense if our Leano wakes up. But as he has gotten older, it’s getting easier because he doesn’t demand my attention as much.

Leano’s nanny, Nosi, arrives at our house just after 6am. We leave a little while after, and so begins the conversations that are the highlight of my day and usually end up on Facebook with the hashtag #Batsiplus3. The girls have to be at school before 7:30am and then I head on over to work, which includes an hour of gym at lunch time. At 4, I leave to pick up my girls and drive home with more interesting convos to challenge me. When we get home, I cook, we eat and I watch TV while they watch movies. I am hoping to change the movies thing to reading but have been too tired and with a fussy Leano, it seems like an ambitious plan. Bed time is at 7pm.

Like any other Mom out there – single or not – having children has contributed to my growth as a person. I am learning a lot about myself. The good Lord is still working on me on that vital skill called patience but I will get thereJ.

I haven’t lived long enough in this position to be an expert on what it takes to be a great single Mom but drawing from my experience I’d say, please learn how to receive help if the people around you offer it. Pride is a massive issue at times but we all need a break at some point and if your friends or family are on hand to grant you some time to go out or to just have Me Time, take it. It doesn’t make you less of a Mother to pursue your own passions. Don’t lose yourself in the daily grind of running the ship alone. You – the individual apart from being a Mother – matter. I am working on Project Me at the moment and I know getting the time – and sometimes the money – for what I want/need is incredibly difficult. But I do my best.

Also, don’t give up on love. It’s a big one. And by love I don’t mean a hook up – unless that’s what you want at that time in your life – but actual, real, love. Don’t settle for just anything because you think giving birth means you gave up your right to love, respect and being honoured. It might take time but I am inclined to believe that an honest man won’t be fazed by the fact that you are raising an adult. It is not easy, but it is not impossible either. Look good, smell great and don’t look so defeated by your challenging role as a single Mom. Basically, I’d say don’t look like a Mom. Lol!

I am still learning to take my own advise so I am right there with you sister. I am also keen to hook up with other Mommies going through the same thing – not to man bash just to carry each other on hard days or celebrate on great days. So hit me up on Twitter @batsi89, Facebook (Molebatsi Batsi) and Instagram @Batsithegreat.

You’re the best thing that has ever happened to your child and you are their best chance in life. Jesus loves you, and so do I.