THE 3 PAPERS ON MY WALL

I first started writing down goals last year and seeing (some) of them through. I wasn't the type of person who wrote down goals and New Year Resolutions as I found them to be a waste of time but I have come to realize that I was wasting my own time not following them through. For me, they were just words on the wall that I looked at when times were tough but never when times were good. I always told myself that I know what I want and all the ideas and planning where where they needed to be. In my head.

It is not until last year when I went through a rough time in my life that I decided that it was time for change. I took a month off from my relationship, I quit my job and moved out of where I was staying. Some would say that's drastic but it had to be done. I wasn't prospering in all these fields and I felt like they were holding me back. Prosperity doesn't come in comfort, it comes in discomfort. I took this time off and spent it with my Lord and Savior through prayer and meditation. I didn't know where I was and where I was headed and needed someone (or a being) that knew me better than myself on this journey. 

It is true that sometimes people forget their Lord and Savior when times are good and look upon HIM when they are bad. I was that person at that time and I was glad that HE loved me despite what I did and/or hadn't done. I still cannot understand this love that Christ has for me but I thank God for it. A love so deep that nothing can separate me from HIM is beyond my understanding because I have flaws. But that's a topic for another day J

During this change, someone close to me came about with an idea of creating a collage of where I am and where I want to be. I thought it ridiculous as it was meant for kids in school and not adults going through difficult times but somehow I found myself grabbing A3 paper, old magazines, glue and scissors and got working on the collage (hahaha). As I stood there and looked at the collage, I couldn't believe what was in my head. It was like a hidden treasure that I didn't even know was there. All my life goals and aspiration. There, on paper. So I didn't stop there.

I went onto the next page and wrote down all my goals. Long term, short term, middle term. Whatever term there was, I wrote them all down. I wanted all the things I had put in my mind to be on paper and as I looked at the papers in front of me. I was happy, but something was missing. I needed words to encourage me when days were dark and not just any words. Words that have life. So I went to the bible and took out encouraging messages. All these 3 papers made me look at life different. They gave me hope, new ways to look at life and different routes to help me prosper. 

I have achieved so much from the 3 papers on my wall that I have made it a value to always have them each year to help inspire and encourage me. I wouldn't have started this blog, gone natural and have the job I have today had it not been for the 3 papers on my wall (the written goals, collage and the words of life). I am certainly pleased to have gone through the difficult time I went through last year as it has brought me to this new way of life.

I know it sounds cheesy for people who don't believe in writing down their goals. Trust me, I was you at some point and this post is not to say follow my footsteps and you will see "the light". No, in actual fact, this post is to encourage those without hope to take a sit back. Evaluate your own life, cut out that which is holding you back and have clear cut goals that you aspire to. Whether they in your head or on paper. Follow that with words of life. That could be from your Mom, Dad, role model or words you have always lived by. 

You never know where it could lead to.

#BATSIPLUS3

“I am still surprised gore ona le bana (that you have kids).” My mother said to me on a random day which I found pretty weird but I know it comes from a place of knowing my lack of patience for children. Yes, I do have kids. At 26 I am a mother of 3 amazing beauties. Keamogetswe my first, we’re counting down to her 7th birthday and she wants a Barbie doll (a little reminder to myself thereJ), Bothakga (5) and six months ago I gave birth to baby Leano. Being a mother was never part of my life plan. I just never thought of myself in that role. Ever.

It all changed in 2008 when I was in my third year at Wits University working towards a Bachelor of Arts degree. I was 19, and let’s just say nothing prepares you for the moment when the young doctor at your campus health asks you: “what happened to the condom?” I walked out of there feeling like something BIG had just happened but it hadn’t quite hit me yet. I had to tell my then boyfriend of three and a half years that we were having a baby. I couldn’t get the words out when we met up that day. I just cried. He figured it out, hugged me and asked “what do you want us to do?” I didn’t have an answer. I just cried until I got too tired for anymore tears and fell asleep (Hahaha). What followed was months of trying to figure out how to hide my bump from everyone.

I tried everything I could. Eventually my roommates figured it out, my friends at varsity figured it out and then the big one, the elder in our church and neighbour – who has known me pretty much all my life – figured it out. He called me over and asked if he could inform my mom on my behalf. I immediately agreed and he did. My mom walked into my room and said with the care only she could’ve gotten right at that point, “why didn’t you tell me?...Think of this child as your child, not yours and someone else’s child because a man can always walk away and start over leaving you to deal with things alone.”  

Her words have literally played themselves out in my life in recent times. My girls share a dad. He and I went through a really bad break up and as part of the fall out, he opted out of the financial – and often emotional – obligation he has to “our” (although I feel like they more mine than ours) girls. With life being as expensive as it is, I don’t have to tell you what damage that has done to my Rands and Cents tally. But I was raised by a woman who has no idea what it means to give up. I inherited her sheer tenacity and “never-say-day” attitude where motherhood is concerned. I have been angry, bitter at times and sometimes just sad because my ex isn’t a part of my girls’ lives the way I’d like or even the way they’d like him to be. I’m at a point where I wish him no ill. We might be broken up but I still respect his place as their dad although I know that the buck always stops with me.

My story has many humps and bumps that I’d need a whole book to write out but I will say I am fortunate. I have an incredible family and friends who love my children more than I ever thought possible. No one can do it alone. I am a single mom only by virtue of the fact that I live alone with my trio not because I have zero help.

What I find difficult about my life set up is finding social time with friends – especially those who don’t have children – and just finding time for me. Dating is another mine field for single moms. I was no different. I thought no one would be brave enough to date someone who had 2 children who are not living with their grandmother somewhere but are in her space, her everyday reality - It was my decision to live with them, my Mom still wants to raise them bless her heart.

When I did start dating again, I did something that is often frowned upon. I introduced my man to my kids really early on. It was stressful for me. Not so much for them. We’re still navigating through their relationship with him and it gets better every day. I recently asked this incredible man that God has gifted me – who is the father to my son – whether he thinks my identity is wrapped up in being a mother. He answered yes. I was guttered. But he then explained that circumstance has forced me into a corner whereby I have to be the “all-powerful force” that I am to my family and that has meant I had to sacrifice a lot of my “original life plan”. My career is also a challenge to navigate because the media world is not incredibly accommodating for a person with my kind of life schedule.

Besides all the difficulties, I wouldn’t have my life any other way. Ok, I wish I had more money to play with every month but besides that, I am so blessed that I get to be me. A mother to three incredible souls who challenge me and have made me so proud. I am often hard on myself because I really have high expectations of myself as a Mom, but according to my ruling party (my children). I am the best mother ever and I choose to believe that rather.

When people ask how I do it, I remember the line from Tyler Perry’s Single Moms Club: “That’s the problem, you’re thinking about it too much. Don’t think, just do it!” And that’s what I do every day; I get out of bed and do it. God has been incredible with the four of us. So here’s a breakdown of my life with the ruling party.

My day starts at 3:30am. I wake up to put the geyser on. Then I go back to bed to try and catch up on at least another 45 minutes of sleep. When Leano plays along, I wake up at 4:30am. I pack lunches, I put out the uniform, I get the bath water ready and then I wake my girls at about 5am. I bath them – they take turns on who goes first, it’s a thing nowadays – dry them and they put on their gowns and slippers and brush their teeth. Then I bath. After that, I go get them tidy for school then sign their homework and make breakfast. They watch TV while I go get dressed and pack my gym bag. This gets a whole lot more intense if our Leano wakes up. But as he has gotten older, it’s getting easier because he doesn’t demand my attention as much.

Leano’s nanny, Nosi, arrives at our house just after 6am. We leave a little while after, and so begins the conversations that are the highlight of my day and usually end up on Facebook with the hashtag #Batsiplus3. The girls have to be at school before 7:30am and then I head on over to work, which includes an hour of gym at lunch time. At 4, I leave to pick up my girls and drive home with more interesting convos to challenge me. When we get home, I cook, we eat and I watch TV while they watch movies. I am hoping to change the movies thing to reading but have been too tired and with a fussy Leano, it seems like an ambitious plan. Bed time is at 7pm.

Like any other Mom out there – single or not – having children has contributed to my growth as a person. I am learning a lot about myself. The good Lord is still working on me on that vital skill called patience but I will get thereJ.

I haven’t lived long enough in this position to be an expert on what it takes to be a great single Mom but drawing from my experience I’d say, please learn how to receive help if the people around you offer it. Pride is a massive issue at times but we all need a break at some point and if your friends or family are on hand to grant you some time to go out or to just have Me Time, take it. It doesn’t make you less of a Mother to pursue your own passions. Don’t lose yourself in the daily grind of running the ship alone. You – the individual apart from being a Mother – matter. I am working on Project Me at the moment and I know getting the time – and sometimes the money – for what I want/need is incredibly difficult. But I do my best.

Also, don’t give up on love. It’s a big one. And by love I don’t mean a hook up – unless that’s what you want at that time in your life – but actual, real, love. Don’t settle for just anything because you think giving birth means you gave up your right to love, respect and being honoured. It might take time but I am inclined to believe that an honest man won’t be fazed by the fact that you are raising an adult. It is not easy, but it is not impossible either. Look good, smell great and don’t look so defeated by your challenging role as a single Mom. Basically, I’d say don’t look like a Mom. Lol!

I am still learning to take my own advise so I am right there with you sister. I am also keen to hook up with other Mommies going through the same thing – not to man bash just to carry each other on hard days or celebrate on great days. So hit me up on Twitter @batsi89, Facebook (Molebatsi Batsi) and Instagram @Batsithegreat.

You’re the best thing that has ever happened to your child and you are their best chance in life. Jesus loves you, and so do I.

JEALOUSY MAKES YOU NASTY

"Jealousy makes you nasty, jealousy makes you nasty." Most people sang this song growing up or in their adulthood, heard young kids sing it but not all realize the truth within it. I think you recognize the nastiness when you see someone being jealous of you but never recognize it when you are towards others.

This year has been an amazing year so far for my friends. The biggest part of it is babies, I love babies, I love their new born smell J.

While it is certainly beautiful to celebrate such amazing blessings with those I cherish and love the most, it is also so difficult to fully join in on their happiness because like I said, I love babies. (I don't have any of my own as yet, the plan is to get married first then start a family). It made me wonder why it is so much easier for negative emotions to consume me at the sound of blessings than it is for positive emotions. I don't know if men experience such feelings as women do but I'm open to the conversation.

The biggest negative emotion that overwhelmed me was jealousy. I became jealous of others blessings that my own blessings seemed like they were gone with the wind. As I was doing research, I realized the intensity of this negative emotion that drives friends, family and even colleagues apart. One story that caught my attention was one of Naomi Oni and her "friend" Mary Konye who threw acid on her friend because she was jealous of her looks. It saddened me that someone could let this feeling control them to the point where they would bring harm to the next person. In the millennial we live in, jealousy is glorified through the media by songs we listen to and statements we make. No wonder most relationships are tied by the knot of jealousy and not many know how to break free from it.

The emotion that is jealousy, is so nasty that once left to run our feelings, it destroys everything in its path. Once jealous, partners in a relationship threaten the other "if I can't have you, no one else will", colleagues belittle others "what, you want a gold medal?" and some girls in relationships "claim" their partners as theirs. It has been said a lot that "a little jealousy from a partner never hurt. It actually means they love/care for you." In some instances jealousy has become such a pride that "when people are jealous of you, it means you are doing something right." I can't say for a fact when jealousy is good nor bad for you. All I know is how terrible I feel when I let it consume me as it belittles me, makes me feel inferior, takes hope away and brings darkness with it.

My church Pastor explained it this way, "put facts ahead of feelings/emotions" as feelings/emotions aren't always "correct" (for lack of a better word). That is why some people would advise me not to make a decision when emotional because it's not always the best/wise decision. Emotions/feelings are good to have but they have to be put in their place. They are not meant to rule us as we have authority over them.

So here's how to notice when you are being jealous and how to put it in its place.

The first step is to understand what jealousy is and wikipedia explains it as such;

"Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern and anxiety over an anticipated loss or status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. 
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy)


The second step is to understand why you feel this way.

For me, I felt jealous towards my pregnant friends because it's something I have wanted for a long time and it seemed as though it was happening to them and not to me. Even to a point where I judged them according to their past wrongs. This caused a great discomfort within because firstly I had no right to judge and question The Maker's decision to bless them. Secondly it was wrong and mean of me to think that my friends weren't worthy of such blessings all because I envied them.

I thank God for Jesus because I have come to realize that I'm not ready for a baby yet and that has brought such a great amount of peace within. This is not an excuse nor a petty statement to console myself but the truth. Like I said before, I love babies because of their new born smells, but what happens when that fades?

The third step is to confront and change it from negative to positive.

I remember when a good friend of mine invited me to her shoot as a guest and I was really impressed with how she made her dream a reality that I felt jealous. Before I left the set, I confronted and confessed to her my jealousy. Don't get me wrong, she was doing an amazing job but at that moment, I had stopped counting my blessings and focused on hers. She had worked hard to be where she was and deserved all the blessings that came her way.

After I confessed to her, I felt much better and proud of myself that I didn't keep quiet and let this emotion destroy our friendship. As a good friend that she is, she encouraged me to keep working hard and even helped me count my own blessings (hahaha).

The fourth step is to apologize.

The apology for me started from within. I had to forgive myself for feeling this way before I could apologize to others because jealousy is an emotion that starts from within. So why not defeat it from within first! After I had forgiven myself, I confronted my friends of this emotion and asked for their forgiveness had I done anything against them because remember. When you are jealous, sometimes you don't recognize it nor it's actions. You could offend someone without realizing it.

The fourth step is to love.

It is easier to love than to hate (or any other negative emotion) as that brings about happiness. I chose not to be nasty but to elevate myself and those I love by encouraging them when they succeed, being their pillar of strength and comfort when it goes bad and joining in on their success.

NB: I struggled a lot to write about jealousy, it took me 5 days to complete this.

For more information on jealousy and how to deal with it, go to (http://www.wikihow.com/Handle-Jealousy). I found it helpful.